Reinforcement Theory in Building Your Child's Intellect

Reinforcing your child's love of learning will increase your bond with her!

Reinforcing your child's love of learning will be one of the greatest gifts you can give your child and will reward her for the rest of her life.  Read this now and start to reinforce positively!  If you do, you and your child will be glad you did, now and forever!

Understanding and applying this principle will immeasurably increase your ability to bond with, teach, and fortify your child.  To illustrate reinforcement theory, consider these examples. Have you ever noticed how a child who is praised for how well she dances continues to dance? Or how a dog who is rewarded with dog biscuits and a hearty scratch being the ears for fetching sticks loves to fetch sticks? Or how a boy who is cheered on as he rounds third base loves to round third base? Or have you noticed that when your family says, “Thanks for dinner! Wow! This is delicious!” you start thinking that maybe fixing dinner isn’t so bad, and start considering what else you can cook up for your appreciative fans? In all of these examples, reinforcement theory is hard at work.

By definition, to “reinforce” means: to strengthen or increase; to make stronger; to encourage. In each of the above examples, a certain behavior was strengthened, encouraged, or made stronger. The reinforcement or encouragement in each example was unique, but the key is that it came. For the dog, it was the biscuit and the scratch behind the ears; for the boy playing baseball it was the cheers; for the dancing girls it was the verbal praise.

In a nutshell, reinforcement theory is this: people are likely to persist in doing things they are rewarded—or reinforced—for doing. The reward a child experiences as a result of any behavior “reinforces” that behavior. Reinforcement can come in many forms including verbal praise or physical touch. A smile, a hug, or a, “Hooray! You did it!” from you are all forms of reinforcement that are fortifying and pleasurable for your child. If a child is not consistently reinforced—through praise, encouragement, and physical touch—for the things he tries and the progress he makes, rebellion and dislike for learning often result.

Applying the reinforcement principle is key to helping your child develop both learning skills and desirable behaviors. If a child is consistently reinforced for performing a certain behavior such as making her bed, she is likely to continue making her bed. A simple statement like, “You made your bed! Thank you so much!” accompanied by a hug is usually sufficient reinforcement for a child. If a parent fails to notice or reward a child for the desirable things she does, the child is less likely to continue doing them. So, your job is to think about what behaviors you want your child to persist in doing, and reinforce her for doing them.

Undesirable behaviors can also be “accidentally” reinforced if parents are not conscious of what responses they give to certain behaviors. For example, if a child cries when she is refused a toy at the store and the parent responds by “caving in” and buying her the toy, the parent is encouraging—or reinforcing—the child’s undesirable behavior of crying to get her way.

Consider these additional examples involving reinforcement theory. They may help you think through how you can use the reinforcement principle in your home to obtain the results you want:

Example: A 3½-year-old child keeps begging to eat ice cream between meals. The parent has determined that the child’s nutrition is adequate and that she should not be hungry an hour after she has eaten. The child is persistent and increases the pressure until the parent gives in “just to keep her quiet.”

Comment: This is applying reinforcement to develop undesired behavior and bad eating habits. The child learns from the success of pressure and persistence that the parent will eventually give in to her demands. The behavior of whining and the habit of eating sweets between meals are unwittingly reinforced.

Example: Mom is tired and hurrying to get dinner on the table. Her five-year-old keeps trying to get her attention to show her the pictures he just drew. He tries to show her several times, but each time she ignores him or says, “I don’t have time to look at that right now.” She does not look at him or respond sufficiently for the boy’s liking. In his frustration, he hits his little sister as she walks by. Mom then gives the boy her full attention; she looks at him and addresses him directly.

Comment: Although the boy is being scolded, he has gotten his mom’s attention, which is what he wanted. Thus, he is learning that hitting gets mom’s attention. He is “reinforced” for hitting when his mother refuses to pay attention to him unless he hits. Although being scolded may not seem to be a “pleasurable” reward, some children consider any attention from their parent (even negative attention) better than no attention at all.

The mother was busy and needed to continue her dinner preparation. But it may have been wiser to look directly at her child and say, “Show me your picture while I work.” After a 20 second explanation from the boy of what he had drawn, the mother could then smile and say, “Wow. Thanks for showing me. I really like the way you colored that mountain. Could you show me your other pictures after dinner?” For the sacrifice of 30 seconds, the mother could have reinforced the behaviors of both artistic expression and kind conversation rather than reinforcing the need to hit.

Example: A little girl proudly holding a broom says, “Look, Dad! I swept the floor!” Dad looks over and sees a small scattering of crumbs still littering the kitchen floor. Dad says, “Thanks so much for sweeping. I didn’t even ask you to! You’re really growing up and becoming responsible.”

Comment: Dad wisely reinforced the desirable behavior of helping without being asked instead of focusing on the less important factor of how well the child was able to perform the task. If a child has done her best, let it be enough. Praise her for what she has done instead of scolding her for what she has left undone. There will be other opportunities for teaching her how to effectively use the dust pan. If you want her to continue to sweep the floor, praise her for doing it. Is she likely to sweep the floor again if her initial efforts to do so were rewarded with criticism?

Indulge Your Child’s Interests

In addition to following your child's feelings, plan activities your kids are interested in doing. If your children want to visit the train station but you want to take them to the art museum, take them to the train station. Unless, of course, you want to have an absolutely miserable time filled with whining, complaining, and all manner of contentious bickering. Taking them to places they are interested in going cuts down significantly on the number of arguments you have to referee and the number of grumpy comments you have to field.

But you don’t have to give up on the art museum all together; you just have to wait until the time is right. If your children’s interest in trains is high now, that doesn't mean they will never be interested in art. If visiting the museum is really important to you, help your children find a reason to be interested in it. The key is to discover what fires their curiosity, and to help them pursue it when they are ready and eager to do so. As you study your children and respond to their signals and interests you will become a master at turning playtime, work time, and activity time into incidental learning experiences that will pay rich dividends.

As you continue to follow this blog, you may become concerned about what could seem to be excessive demands upon your time to do all of the activities recommended. You will find, however, that most of the upcoming recommended activities do not require additional time from busy parents. As you learn to recognize opportune moments to teach your child, you will find that much of your teaching occurs in the natural course of a day. You will teach as you dress her in the morning, as you feed her, as you play with her during the day, while you take her shopping, or when you put her to bed at night. The techniques are casual; the teaching is incidental and related to the real-life experiences of parent and child.

“How do I find the right balance between appropriately challenging my child with love and pushing him too hard?” The first answer is: PLAY with him. As often as it is feasible, play what your child wants to play when he wants to play it and look for chances to teach as you go. If your teaching is child-centered and child-directed your child is not likely to feel pushed, hurried or forced into learning. He will learn to love learning because he loves playing with you.

Play When You Are Ready to Play

Your emotional readiness to play and the immediate emotional state of your child are critical to the success of any learning activity. Both you and your child must be relaxed and tension must be at a minimum. Engage in developmental experiences only when it can be a joyful activity for both you and your child. If you or your child are overly tired, stressed, upset or distracted it may be better to wait until later to become involved in a playing activity.

Most parents know when they feel up to the challenge. If your child wants to play “Go Fish” but you are in the middle of a stressful moment, try something like this. Look at your child and say, “I do want to play “Go Fish” with you. But I feel kind of upset right now. I think we’d have more fun if we wait to play until I feel better. What activity would you like to do on your own until I feel ready to play?” Discuss some options and decide when you will play “Go Fish.” (For example, you may decide to play “after you play with your trucks,” “in ten minutes,” or “after lunch.”) Then say, “Thanks for being patient. I’m excited about the game we have planned.” Be sure to follow your plan and play the game together at the appointed time. In the meantime, find a way to relieve your stress: breathe deeply, stretch, put yourself in a room by yourself for 5 minutes, read something uplifting, call your spouse or a friend, and either solve the problem that is bothering you or decide to let it go for now. And chances are, playing with your child will help you feel better and refocus on your personal priorities.

After playing with and/or teaching your child, review the experience in your mind. Ask yourself if the experience was enjoyable for your child. Ask yourself if the atmosphere was relaxed and if there was ample opportunity for pleasant interaction, laughter and happiness. If it was not an enjoyable interaction, ask yourself why, and think of how you can approach it differently the next time.

The entire environment for teaching and playing in your home should be natural and largely spontaneous. As you watch for and create opportunities to play and teach, you will be able to carry out most of the learning activities contained in this blog, and at the same time permit your child to set the pace.

The Home: A Learning Laboratory Full of Opportunities for our Kids

When talking about incidental teaching and incidental learning, that is not to say we cannot orchestrate, plan, or prepare for teaching opportunities with our child. On the contrary, our goal as parents should be to make our homes a learning laboratory full of opportunities for our children. As parents, most of us feel an anxiousness to provide the finest opportunities for our kids, but too often we focus on opportunities or programs outside our homes and overlook the glaring need to make our homes the site of rich, diverse and consistent opportunities for learning. If one truly wants to inspire and educate their child, one must make an early commitment to make the home a child-centered place of learning.  As parents, when we think of building our child's intellect, shouldn't we try to focus on providing hands-on experiences for our children as they learn? Shouldn't we try to provide ample opportunities to touch, explore and create. Kids need to feel, see, hear, and manipulate objects that will support and reinforce learning. 

Sometimes I think our homes and attitudes about our homes are not child friendly when it comes to learning. If it is your desire to create a learning laboratory at home that is full of opportunity, than this means you should begin establishing a ready source of teaching aids (in other words, play things) for our child to use. These items should be stored where they are easy to get to. If your child shows interest in a certain activity, but you have to search for and assemble what is needed for the activity, it is often too late. Teaching moments are short-lived occasions that require an almost instantaneous response. Be prepared with your “bag of tricks” when opportunity knocks.

The contents of your bag of tricks will change along with your child. For example, when your child is a baby scooting around the floor his main playthings may include soft toys he can squish, sturdy bowls he can pound on or put things in, and board books you can look at and talk about together. However, as your child grows into a running, jumping three-year-old your bag of tricks may expand to include such things as a measuring tape, spools, geometric shapes, plastic pitchers, measuring spoons and a flashlight. A wide variety of music and books should be a staple in any home consciously prepared to provide maximum intellectual stimulation for the children who live there.

As you construct opportunities for you and your child to play together, please do not forget that activities you consider to be “work” can be a consistent and extremely useful means of play and learning for your child. Setting the table, putting clothes into the washer, and putting away spoons and forks in the drawer are all forms of play and are loaded with opportunities and means for teaching your child.

Incidental Teaching Means Play!

How do we build our child's mind without stressing them out (and without stressing us out in the process.)The first way to avoid putting undue pressure on your child is to focus on playing with her. The premise of this blog is based upon a loving parent-child relationship where play is the primary means of learning. If you want to have ample opportunities to teach your child, play with her and play with her often.


A formalized teaching agenda is almost never helpful or necessary for young children. If, when you think of teaching your child, you think of sitting down and making an announcement like, “Ten o’clock! Time for your math lesson! Put your blocks away and get out your pencil,” and then having your tiny child eagerly rush over to you for a rousing arithmetic lesson at the table, then you must think again. Perhaps the worst thing you could do is tell your child to put her beloved toys away so that you can rigidly teach her something “more important.” She will immediately learn to resent the activity that is making her put her toys away. So instead, if you want to teach her some basic mathematics concepts, find a way to incorporate them into your play time with her. Help her build towers with her blocks and count how many blocks you can stack on top of each other before they fall. See how many blue blocks, green blocks or red blocks you can find together.

Do not seek to schedule your child’s day by means of a rigid schedule where certain subjects are taught at certain times. This can be stressful and down right boring for your child. Instead, become a master of incidental teaching in your home. In other words, be on the lookout for opportunities to teach your child any concept that presents itself. Learning to recognize and seizing upon the fleeting teaching moments in your small child’s life is how to become a master of incidental teaching. Most often the greatest intellectual achievements occur in a relaxed setting where teaching arises naturally from the events of a child’s day.

A Passion For Learning Is One Of The Greatest Gifts You Can Give Your Child

If you are reading this blog, there is most likely a child in whose future you feel invested. A child you want to see grow up to be confident, intelligent and kind. A child whose natural brilliance lies brimming beneath the surface of his eager eyes. A child whose eyes look to you for love and direction. This blog was written to help you unearth your child’s unique brilliance and bring it to a glowing shine. And it is simpler than you might think.

Because your child is yours, you are in the prime position to enlighten, enable, and inspire her.

No one is better suited to teach your son or daughter than you. Daycare may protect her, soccer and dance class may entertain her, preschool may socialize her, the neighborhood or church may lend a helping hand, but you will leave the greatest impression on her soul. The things you do with your child, and the way you do them will significantly influence your child’s emotional and intellectual destiny. As you work, play, create, read, think and explore with your child you are laying the foundation upon which all of her future intelligence will stand. It is well worth your time, and the time to act is now.

Many parents feel reluctant to teach their young children before they enter kindergarten. Some parents feel inadequate and don’t know where to begin. Others have come to believe that it’s simply the school system’s job to teach their child, and that their role as parent is largely limited to feeding, cleaning and clothing their child. Other parents want to teach their child but struggle with how to teach a wiggly, strong-willed person with a short attention span. Some parents feel that they’re just too busy to do much teaching. Whatever the reason, many parents resign themselves to thinking, “He’ll learn that in kindergarten,” and miss out being involved in what could have been some of the richest and most rewarding years of their child’s life.

The principles and ideas in this blog will help you recognize, create, and capitalize on teaching moments with your child through every stage of his early life.  Whether you are teaching your child how to hit a baseball, how to count to twenty, how to sort socks or how to read a map, you are also teaching him to love to learn. A passion for learning is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.

The More Effective Way to Building your Child's Intellect

It is important to teach your child, but it is more important to do it the most effective way. The most effective way is to be patient and loving and kind even when your child repeats mistakes or does not progress at the rapid rate you would like. The most effective way is to teach with empathy—to consider things carefully from your child’s point of view and adjust your teaching to fit his needs.


The most effective way is to protect and treasure the relationship you have with your child more than you value his “intellectual progress.” If your child’s intellectual progress is more important to you than his feelings of acceptance and worthiness, then your efforts as a parent and as a teacher will be limited. You may be able to help your child excel in some areas, but his sense of worth will be compromised. There will be tiny cracks in the mortar of your relationship. To ensure that your child feels good about himself and has a solid relationship with you, you must show love far more often than you show disapproval. You must be kind before you can effectively correct. You must love your child as you lead him.


As you follow the suggestions in this blog and apply them with love, you will grow closer to your child. Your child will feel secure and emotionally nourished. He will sense and experience your love as you engage in teaching and playing with him. If you apply the suggestions in this blog without sufficient love, you will be little more than a pushy, overanxious parent who is raising a disgruntled child.


So how do you find the right balance between appropriately challenging your child with love and pushing him too hard? The next few blogs that I post will suggest two vital answers to that question.


If you are reading...please let me and others know what you think.  Please share your experiences.